The Talk
by JustAColoradoGirl
Summary: It's Harry's time for The Talk and Lupin and SNape must decide between them who exactly is going to give it.


**132.** Harry's reaching that age where he's feeling (even more) sexually frustrated and Dumbledore would appreciate if Remus and Severus flip a coin to see who needs to explain everything to him. Who loses?

Remus Lupin walked quickly along the Hogwart's corridors, his mind racing. His heart was pounding and clutched in his hand was a simple note that he had received only moments earlier while he was having his usual late night whiskey at the Three Broomsticks. He reached the large gargoyle that guarded the Headmasters office and took a deep breath, running a hand shakily through his hair. He thought it best to look over his summons note once more before he entered.

_Remus-_

_Please bring yourself to my office as soon as possible. It is, I daresay, an urgent matter I need to discuss with you._

_-Albus_

_P.S. I do have a craving for a pumpkin flavored sweet if you could manage it._

Lupin stared at the note and reread it once more, wondering wildly if another had been killed, or if perhaps something terrible had happened to Harry.

"Pumpkin pasty." He said evenly and watched as the gargoyle slid aside to let him through. He ascended the stairs swiftly, and stopped as he came upon the great wooden door, knocking three times.

"Enter." A voice answered sternly from inside.

Remus did as he was told and entered the office to see Dumbledore sitting behind his well cluttered desk, and much to his surprise, Severus Snape seated in one of two wingbacks stationed in front of the desk.

"You summoned me, Albus? Is everything alright? Has something happened?" Remus asked, standing still near the door.

"Thank you for coming so quickly. Please take a seat next to Severus. I have a pressing matter to discuss with the both of you." Dumbledore replied, his hands clasped together calmly on his desk.

Dumbledore looked both men over slowly before he began. "It has come to my attention that Young Harry has….er…. matured. What I mean to say is, he has matured in a way that most young men do at this age and naturally he is having some new feelings. Now seeing as how he has grown up parentless, I don't believe anyone has ever given him, you know, 'The Talk'. So after much thought and deliberation on this, I have concluded that one of you will have to give it to him."

Dumbledore looked up from where his eyes had fallen on his desk to see both Lupin and Snape staring at him in sheer horror.

"I have considered giving him this talk myself, but it has occurred to me that I am far behind the times now and that one of you two would be far better suited for this task. Come to think of it, I highly doubt Minerva and I are up with the new techniques these days." Dumbledore added, a dazed look in his eyes, as if he were drifting off into some wanton fantasy.

"Headmaster, you can't possibly be serious. After all… I hardly know the boy. Surely Remus here is much more appropriate for this task…" Snape spluttered, now slowly getting up from his chair and back away from Dumbledore's desk.

Lupin looked wildly at Dumbledore, a look of sheer desperation clouding his eyes.

"Albus, No… I cannot. It's not appropriate- no. No. I love Harry as my own, but certainly Severus is much more qualified for this sort of thing, with his backround with Bellatrix and Narcissa and all those nights in the Room of Requirement when we were young and all." Lupin said, his eyes still wide with horror at the though of giving the "Shag Talk" to Harry.

Snape glared coldly at him. "Am I to believe you did not listen to every repulsive sexual conquest that both James and Sirius embarked on during their years here, or that you yourself did not have you own little excursions in the Prefects Bathroom! In fact, I do believe I walked in on you and Emmeline Vance in a rather precarious position back in our 6th year if I remember correctly…"

Lupin jumped to his feet as he pulled out his wand and readied himself to hex the living daylights out of Snape. How dare he bring up his "experiences."

Albus smiled slightly, slowly tapping his fingers together on the desk, as he examined the situation before him.

"Now gentlemen, there is only one way to settle this fairly, seeing as how neither of you are willing to volunteer…"

Snape and Lupin glared at each other icily. Both would rather eat flobberworm casserole then take on the task of explaining what shagging was all about to a 16 year old boy.

"We shall take this American muggle quarter here and each of you will pick a side. Whose ever side it lands on will have the pleasure of explaining to our young Mr. Potter every necessary detail associated with all things sexual." Dumbledore explained, holding a gleaming silver quarter in his hand.

"Now if you will, Severus, please choose the side you wish to call your own."

Snape stared at the coin for a moment, obviously running calculations as to which side had the least likely chance of being landed on. That was until of course, he realized it was a 50/50 chance. After a few more moments deliberation, Snape believed he had finally decided.

"I'll take the side with the rather large head on it." He stated, his knuckles now white from grasping his wand so tightly.

"All right then. Remus that means that the other side is yours. Good luck to you both. Here we go." Dumbledore said has he flipped the coin high into the air.

Snape and Lupin watched it arch as if it were in slow motion, both with their mouths slightly open and their eyes wide.

Remus prayed silently in his mind that it would land on heads. He would do anything to not have to explain such awkward things to Harry. If only Sirius were around, he surely wouldn't have had a problem explaining such things. In fact they were very much his strong suit.

Snape on the other hand was seriously contemplating charming the coin to land on the side he had not picked, but thought better of it knowing Dumbledore was watching closely.

Finally the coin his the floor and Snape and Lupin stood frozen, not daring to look. Dumbledore rose from his seat and came around his desk to examine the coin. After making sure he was quite correct in what he saw he looked to both men.

"Well… the coin has seemed to have landed…" He started.

"AND?" Both men yelled, their wands now pointing directly at Dumbledore instead of each other.

Dumbledore took off his glasses and gingerly cleaned them on his dark blue and silver robes.

"It seems to have landed on heads. Severus, I suggest you retreat to your office and prepare yourself. I expect you to summon Harry this evening, the sooner the better, I always say!" Dumbledore finally said, now putting his glasses back on and walking back over behind his desk.

Snape stared in utter horror and disbelief, while Lupin exhaled a long easy breath and relaxed his shoulders.

Snape turned his stare to lupin who met his eyes immediately.

"Well then Severus, be sure not to leave out that one incident with Narcissa and not quite knowing where-"

"YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS DUMBLEDORE!"

Dumbledore merely looked up from his papers and smiled, happily sucking on a lemon drop.


End file.
